Preggers

The Joy of Being Knocked Up

Ten Ways to Pretend You’re Drinking and Hide Your Pregnancy (written by a boozehag)

It’s no secret that before I got pregnant, I was an enormous boozehag…

In fact, my child might not have even been conceived in the first place without the assistance of vodka and lemonade. But, the risks of drinking alcohol while pregnant are so incredibly severe that I stopped drinking immediately when I found out I was pregnant and I have never looked back.

Finding out at 7 weeks and not telling the majority of my friends until the “magical” 12th week meant that I had to fake my usual drinking habits for a whole FIVE WEEKS before I could tell anyone! My clever boozy friends would never believe that I was on mysterious antibiotics and I’d never been the designated driver before in my life, so my only option was to fake it. And it was the best fun ever!

can1. TAKE IT IN THE CAN: Instead of drinking out of cups (best YouTube video ever, btw), you can drink out of cans and nobody will know that you’ve been nursing the same can all night. Easy!

2. DRINK ANYTHING … with ice and lime: Coke, lemonade, squash, whatever. Just order it and say it’s mixed with vodka or anything else that you normally drink. Order a glass of lime and soda and it looks exactly like vodka, lime and soda. Just make sure you always have a drink in your hand in case someone tries to buy you a round. If they do, you can always accidentally knock it over onto some bitch you hate or get someone who knows you’re up the duff to drink it for you. Which brings me to my next tip…

himym3. DADDY IS DRINKING FOR TWO: There’s a hilarious episode of How I Met Your Mother where Lily makes Marshall drink all of her drinks in order to conceal her pregnancy. This is great because everybody wins, especially the drunk guy. But, try not to get him so drunk that he throws up in your car.

4. SECRET SQUIRRELS: I am lucky enough to have an amazing group of close friends who I was able to tell about my pregnancy right from the start. These secret squirrels were excellent helpers in keeping me fake-drunk for weeks by bringing me tequila shots, which were not tequila, and even making me special jelly shots which were 100% jelly. The secret squirrels can also help you take boozy Facebook pics to fool the general population (although it might look bad when people eventually work out that you were 10 weeks pregnant drinking Jacks straight from the bottle).

bartender5. THE GLASS IS HALF FULL: When out in public, the bartender can make a good temporary secret squirrel for you. They might have some sneaky ideas, like only pouring half a glass of champagne or a glass of champagne and lemonade. Sometimes you can walk around holding half a glass for hours and nobody would notice, especially if everyone else was gradually getting more and more drunk.

6. KEEP IT REAL: Drink from real drinking glasses. Wine glasses, champagne flutes, etc. Even later on in your pregnancy when everybody knows you’re pregnant, drink your water from a wine glass! If your brain is anything like mine, it will have had years of party training and begin dropping braincells the minute you wrap your fingers around a champagne flute. I find that holding a drinking glass creates an amazing placebo effect and there’s a few times when I’ve actually felt a buzz from it… especially when I’m tired.

7. GET WASTEFUL: It kills me to say this because there are so many starving children in Africa who would kill for a beer, but you could always just pour your beer bottle or cans out and fill them with water in the bathroom.

8. VATER IN A WODKA BOTTLE: This is a bit backwards for me, since I spent so many years smuggling vodka into water bottles. But, now it is time to flip it around and fill an empty vodka bottle with water. Great idea for parties, just use the water like you’d normally use vodka and you’ll still look like you’re a bottle-poppin’ gangsta.

apple9. HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES? Apple juice looks like wine. Empty a wine bottle and pour apple juice into it. It’s not rocket science. But, for your own enjoyment you can make comments about how fruity and easy to drink the wine is. Oh and don’t be a dickhead and use that cloudy apple one, it may be delicious but it doesn’t look like wine.

10. ANYONE FOR A DRINKING GAME? YEWWW! You can still play drinking games that involve you taking sips/chugs from your own glass. Maybe you can even instigate the drinking game yourself so that you look like a real legend. Just make sure it’s not beer pong or one of those awesome dirty games where everybody pours some of their beverage into the centre cup and then the loser has to drink the whole vessel. You’ll just look like a pussy if you refuse to drink it.. and nobody likes a pussy.

The best part of all of this fake drinking is that if you go out the next night you won’t need to do it so much because you can pretend you’re still hungover from the night before!

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The Joy of Being Knocked Up: Part 1

Earlier this year, I bought myself a vacuum cleaner and up until recently it was the most grown-up thing I’d ever bought. Yesterday, I bought a pram and a pack of 180 pregnancy vitamins.

The craziest part about the 180 pregnancy vitamins is that when I checked the calendar I realised that by some crazy coincidence, I had exactly 180 days until I was due to give birth to a human. June 25th, 2014. Holy crap. Now, those 178 vitamins are going to serve as some sort of scary advent calendar, except that instead of Santa Claus arriving, on the final day I should be screaming and crying in a hospital while a careful doctor slices my vagina open to get the baby out.

blog01

My life is going through some HUGE changes, and I have a lot on my mind, so I figured that this would be an awesome time to start a blog. It probably won’t be as outrageous as the one I had 10 years ago when I was 19, where I talked about losing my virginity and other things that a teenager should never put on the Internet, but this one might be useful to people other than sex predators (although some people will surely still get off while reading it, I have quickly found out that pregnancy fetishes are much more common than you think). Plus, I will have lots of time to continue it when I’m on maternity leave because newborns sleep for 80% of the first year of their lives, right? And the Ellen show is only on for one hour per day, so I should have lots and lots of free time in between new episodes.

I have done a lot of crazy shit in my time, most of which I can’t write about here because I could probably still be arrested for some of it. But, falling pregnant is the craziest and most exciting thing I have ever done. I can’t drink anymore, but that doesn’t even matter because my unregulated hormone levels provide even more excitement than any Saturday night out at Hip-E Club. I don’t really have the energy or desire to go out and explore the world as much as I used to, but that’s okay because I am much more fascinated by the new world that’s going on inside me right now, even though I can’t see it and at this stage I can barely feel it.

Another surprising change is that Google has quickly gone from being my best friend, who had helped me win numerous quiz nights and backed me up in every argument I’ve had since 2002, to my worst enemy. Every day I have a new symptom that some chick on Google says is a perfectly normal part of pregnancy, but some other chick on Google says is a sign that something is going horribly wrong. A quick tip for anyone who hasn’t been pregnant before is to stop Googling and get a book. The writers will no doubt have done far more research than some anonymous bitch on an Internet message board.

During this time, I have learned that you must do whatever your body tells you to do. Sleep when you’re tired, eat when you’re hungry, burst into tears when you have any sort of feeling whatsoever. And right now my body is telling me it’s time for a nap. At 9am. Hey, don’t judge me, it’s what the foetus wants.

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