Preggers

The Joy of Being Knocked Up

The Joy of Being Knocked Up: Part 1

Earlier this year, I bought myself a vacuum cleaner and up until recently it was the most grown-up thing I’d ever bought. Yesterday, I bought a pram and a pack of 180 pregnancy vitamins.

The craziest part about the 180 pregnancy vitamins is that when I checked the calendar I realised that by some crazy coincidence, I had exactly 180 days until I was due to give birth to a human. June 25th, 2014. Holy crap. Now, those 178 vitamins are going to serve as some sort of scary advent calendar, except that instead of Santa Claus arriving, on the final day I should be screaming and crying in a hospital while a careful doctor slices my vagina open to get the baby out.

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My life is going through some HUGE changes, and I have a lot on my mind, so I figured that this would be an awesome time to start a blog. It probably won’t be as outrageous as the one I had 10 years ago when I was 19, where I talked about losing my virginity and other things that a teenager should never put on the Internet, but this one might be useful to people other than sex predators (although some people will surely still get off while reading it, I have quickly found out that pregnancy fetishes are much more common than you think). Plus, I will have lots of time to continue it when I’m on maternity leave because newborns sleep for 80% of the first year of their lives, right? And the Ellen show is only on for one hour per day, so I should have lots and lots of free time in between new episodes.

I have done a lot of crazy shit in my time, most of which I can’t write about here because I could probably still be arrested for some of it. But, falling pregnant is the craziest and most exciting thing I have ever done. I can’t drink anymore, but that doesn’t even matter because my unregulated hormone levels provide even more excitement than any Saturday night out at Hip-E Club. I don’t really have the energy or desire to go out and explore the world as much as I used to, but that’s okay because I am much more fascinated by the new world that’s going on inside me right now, even though I can’t see it and at this stage I can barely feel it.

Another surprising change is that Google has quickly gone from being my best friend, who had helped me win numerous quiz nights and backed me up in every argument I’ve had since 2002, to my worst enemy. Every day I have a new symptom that some chick on Google says is a perfectly normal part of pregnancy, but some other chick on Google says is a sign that something is going horribly wrong. A quick tip for anyone who hasn’t been pregnant before is to stop Googling and get a book. The writers will no doubt have done far more research than some anonymous bitch on an Internet message board.

During this time, I have learned that you must do whatever your body tells you to do. Sleep when you’re tired, eat when you’re hungry, burst into tears when you have any sort of feeling whatsoever. And right now my body is telling me it’s time for a nap. At 9am. Hey, don’t judge me, it’s what the foetus wants.

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